Finding Enlightenment

(Here's some stuff that I have yet to have ranted out properly. Mainly because, even if I have talked about it, I haven't allowed myself to go "all out" to other people. I'm sorry.. anyway. Intro over....)

Now I remember why I like working.

Literally, just a few minutes ago I was talking to a friend on the phone. We had so many random topics but started out with one in mind.

Right now, I want to avoid conversation. Only because it brings back all the thoughts that I've been trying to avoid momentarily. At least until one is OVER and done.

One thought at a time, please. One thought at a time.

I dont want to be thinking about... The Pauliworld, which in line with that talks about: The deadline, the articles, the possible added art, the pictures and the day when it could be printed. Then there's that STUPID STUPID debut, which I am SICK A FREAKING TRIED of talking about. Especially since I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE DEMMIT!! There's SO MUCH planning, SO MUCH MONEY, and SO MUCH OF VERY UNNECESSARY THINGS THAT I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANYMORE!! ...I hate talking about how much MY DAD will spend for it.

AYOKO NA. STOP IT. SHUT UP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I feel like crying EVRYTIME I think about it. TT___TT. Even if it's for "me" or "my brother". Whatever excuse you come up with to make me feel MORE LIKE SHIT than I already do.

SHUT UP!! I REALLY DONT WANT IT ANYMORE!! SOMEONE CONVINCE THAT BIG HEADED PIG TO SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP!!!!!!!! TT___TT

Then there's... "that thing" which will happen in a few days. Personally, I feel like shit for prioritizing the Pauliworld over that.

Ano nga ba ang sinasabi ko dati? Friends are a priority diba?

I see or hear people working hard on something more sentimental, and in the long run, would ACTUALLY MATTER to someone. Something that would be treasured for life. And there's me, working my ass off and everyone else's ass off to finish a paper which will be used as pambalot or for their pet as something to shit on at the end of the day. Some fancy shiny paper which no one will bother to read and will throw away in a matter of hours.

There's only one reason why we're all working on it anyway. It's because we don't want our batch to look like we're a bunch of uninspired and lazy geniuses as how some people have described (although not in the same context). We don't want to know that OUR responsibility will be PASSED ON with a snap of a finger to (no offense) the juniors. Those people who have dominated the ed board and staff of the Pworld this past year.

For some reason, too, we wanted you to be proud of us. It seems that because of your pride for them that we became intimidated by them. Now we have the chance to prove ourselves. Thus why we've lost sleep and skipped meals (I think). We want to show that we are CAPABLE of doing the work we were originally told to do. Although, if it weren't for HER then we probably would've been done right now. That's life. Rawr

We want you to be proud of US.
--which is something that you've stressed lately.

But, it seems selfish of me now. And even if you say "We understand that you can't help out"... it kills me even more to be confirmed of it.

Tuloy I feel like I'm.... just plain selfish.

and the.. "Ayan nanaman si Claire. Busy." thing. Of course, at first I didn't mind. But with all more important events going on which I feel that I SHOULD be doing instead, I feel like I'm doing things for the wrong reasons.

Ang loser ko. Feel ko tuloy, parang ang tanga ko

And the last thing on my mind. Well, maybe not last, but one of the major pondering I've had...

What will I be doing with my life?

There's no pleasing my mother. I don't hear the "as long as that's what you want to do in life, go ahead. You still have time to think about it" speech.

All I hear is "When you take AB COM you won't have a job in the States, I tell you! But when you take accounting... blah."

I have dreams too.. I wonder why I can't make them happy with that. (Or... make HER happy at least)

And mind you, that speech up there was given to me just a few hours after my grad.

I thought doing extra curricular activities and getting recognized for the effort was enough for you. But now, I feel like I shouldn't have made them. Because it seems like you're proud of the medal and not the effort. Like, it's something you could place in the living room and brag to visitors about it.

Parang ganun din tingin nila sa AB COM. Kahit alam nila na kaya ko namang galingan yun, parang wala naman din ako makukuha dun. ADMU may be my "medals" in this case, but AB COM is the effort in my ordeal.

I'm sorry for the emo. It's been a while since I've rested properly and given enough time to think about the things around me, properly.

See?

This is the first time that I've seriously blogged. It's been a while since I've laid down my thoughts properly, instead of letting them float in the air, wasting spit with other people.

Thanks blogger. Haha!

I'm tired. I hope that I'll be able to post something happy next time, which was my first intention until that phone call.

Btw, kung may natamaan, don't fret. Please =). I'm just being stupid. Okay? ^__^

I'm tired. HAPPY GRAD SENIORS =)