A Peek Into College Life..

warning: incredibly long rant. again.

I'm looking for something to do while I try to fall asleep. While I do that, this'll be the perfect opportunity for me to rant. Because the moment I woke up from my nap a few minutes ago, I remembered how much I sucked. Thus why I couldn't go back to sleep, no matter how bad I need/want it.

Before ranting, and before your day is going to be ruined knowing that someone else is living a pathetic his/her life pathetically (unless you hate me or something, and then you'd be enjoying this a whole lot) I suggest you look at this link. (LINK). At least I'm not all that miserable... sort of.

This week was incredibly tiring. It was the first week of school and I, and a lot of others, are still adjusting to the idea that our classes are buildings apart.

Now, despite the physical "problems" (for a lack of a better term) I have more things to rant about.

First, I recently found out that I do not have the capabilities or the competency of tackling college level english with the rest of my freshmen comrades. This entails me to have an automatic summer class as a sort-of remedial. And that isn't even the part that pisses me off--although it adds to it.

Before I was officially admitted to "basic english" I had to take an exam to prove that I deserve to take up college english with everyone else. I failed. And all I wanted to do at the time was go out of the room and curse my head off and just repeat to myself how stupid I am to have failed an ENGLISH VERIFICATION EXAM.

Our English teacher tried to make us feel better by telling us that the valedictorian from a few years back also took basic english. Too bad it didn't do shit for me.

I mean, knowing that most of my life I've been using english, it just feels so degrading. I've been utilizing English as my"one-up" over people. I was proud to, well... speak in english. And now that I've failed... ENGLISH... of all subjects... how else are my other tests going to result to?

I had a Filipino diagnostic test that I also took last week and have a Math diagnostic that I have to take on June 25. And since I just said Filipino, I have a feeling I'm taking up summer classes for that as well. And for Math, I'd love to be optimistic and say it's easy. In fact, I've been saying that it would be easy, knowing that it's High School Math, and that I did well last year. However, there's only one thing that kept me quiet and let me shut the fuck up. Someone told me "That's what you said about the English test".

I hate to admit it, but that person's right. Who am I to say that it would be easy? I just wanted to make myself feel better and continue to be optimistic, because I didn't want anymore drama messing my already messed up inner thoughts. But no, I had to be reminded of the fact that I TOTALLY SUCK.

So now, I fear that I'm going to take three summer classes with, I think, three units each. I pray to God that I'm going to max out my total units for summer already and I just started school.

I even have chess to jam into all of this stress.

Now, you might be saying that I don't have the right to complain because ohers have it worse, which is TRUE. I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN!! Others really do have it worse than I do. They have the fear of FAILING while those summer classes just assure me of my inferiority and the need for improvement.

Others have Math 18 or whatever and don't have the option of having a pre-Math 18 for those who might not be able to take the heat, because they're required to have it, actually. They have harder subjects due to their courses and I've already failed the easy subject. Also, I won't be feeling how "difficult" my course will be until next year. So... why the hell am I complaining now?

I guess... this is all pride. Mine's shattered beyond all reason and I have so much to bear on my shoulders already. I'm making things harder than they are already. So... Am I really prepared for college life? I started out so BADLY and I already feel like I don't want to move on. I'm giving up before the game even started. I'm not even sure that I want to stay in my course!!! hahahahahahaha! Isn't it lovely?

I'm really bashing myself down. I don't even want to talk to anyone about this to anyone because I know I don't have the right to complain to them. I always have to remind myself that they have it worse. They'll just shut me up, and I won't be able to vent out. 'cause I don't have the right to complain. (I'm repeating it for emphasis. It's not a grammatical error).

I really do suck.